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Stop the Uggs

Ah, the drop in temperature, forecasts of snow and longer lines at Starbucks mean my least-favorite time of year has come upon us: Ugg season. Cue the “Psycho” theme music.

I encountered the first pair of the year of those ever-so-lovely boots in DeBartolo during midterms week, a turquoise-sequined number, and, I’m sad to say, the amount I have seen trudging around campus has only increased since then.

Sure, you say they are warm and keep your feet and ankles protected from the cold during January walks to class. I’ll just have to trust you on that one, because you will never catch me dead in a pair of Australia’s most notorious shoes.

While the actual boots are incredibly ugg-ly (see what I did there?), their looks and lack of aesthetic appeal are not what drive me crazy. It’s the complete misuse of them that makes me question humanity in general on an annual basis.

At my high school in Tampa, Florida, almost everyone owned a pair of Uggs, a North Face jacket or both. Safe to say, I was not included in this majority. I can count on one hand the number of days it gets cold enough in Tampa to warrant wearing either one of these items.

But no, everyone had to have them because they were “winter essentials.”
It’s difficult to justify owning these cold-weather companions when I saw girls wearing them with shorts in December, especially the boots.

How in the world does that make any inkling of sense to anyone? Furry boots and shorts?
If I was the CEO of UGG, besides giving my company a total facelift and dropping Tom Brady as a model (seriously, who thought that was a good idea?), I would make a slight change in my company’s packaging.

In each box of boots would be a pamphlet telling customers that UGG holds the right to seize your shoes if you are found wearing them with shorts, tank tops, bathing suits or anything else that seems to oppose your rationale for wearing Uggs, which hopefully is the cold because it certainly shouldn’t be the cute factor.

Then I would employ special secret police to scout the United States, especially Florida, in search of rule-breakers. If they came across someone mixing sheepskin and shorts, they would present the rule to them, demand their shoes and redistribute them to orphans in Russia.

Don’t be worried if I stumble upon you donning a pair of Uggs in a colder locale. I’m sure you’ll be nice and warm, but just know I’ll be imagining how much better your outfit would be with a pair of riding boots instead.